She has lost her sh*t.

It's official.  I'm the craziest I have ever been.  I almost told off a well meaning older man at Target today.  He said not 1, but 2 of the things you just don't say to pregnant me. I was on the phone with my Mom, I guess he said this once, but when I didn't hear him, he put himself in front of me so that I had to ask my Mom to hang on....I say, "I'm sorry, did you say something?"  Man: "You got 1 or 2 babies in there?"  I make an annoyed face and answer grumpily, "One." He follows up with "That is one big baby girrrl!"  I went wide-eyed, said a lot of swear words to myself, considered telling him he should NEVER say either of those things to another pregnant woman ever again, but instead I said, "Yeah, I guess it is," in a pissed off tone, and went back to my phone call as I waddled away.

Our 2nd baby's due date came and went 6 days ago.  I haven't slept more than 2 or 3 hours in a row for the past 2+ months.  I have pregnancy swelling induced carpal tunnel in my hands and wrists, which means as soon as I lay down, my hands and arms go numb, followed by sharp shooting pain from my elbows to and through my hands.  The only way to make the stinging go away is to stand up and walk around, shaking my arms and hands. During the day I have maybe 50% feeling in my super swollen hands and fingers, and can't make a fist. When I type thisd is whaty it lookjs like bwefore I fgo back abnd fizx it.  My almost 3 year old son came into our bedroom last night at 2am, asking if he could sleep with me. I, (who kicked my husband out of bed about a week ago), said yes, because I feel it's my last chance to snuggle my little boy before his baby sister arrives.  I discovered, after a couple amazing naps on the weekends, that if anyone else is in bed with me, I get even less sleep since I have to roll around like a beached whale to adjust my body position so often trying to get comfortable.  So I laid there and cuddled him with my tingling, lifeless arms from 2:00am-4:45am.  I asked him where he was going as he bailed on me just before 5am and he said "I'm going to go sleep with Daddy now." On the upside, I discovered I'm awesome at changing diapers in the dark, even with hands that don't quite work right.  I noticed his diaper was loaded with pee when he joined me in bed, so when I got up 30 minutes later to pee myself for the 11th time, I grabbed a diaper and managed to change him without turning any lights on, by "feeling" what I was doing.  He was completely asleep, and said "Mama, that big wave was so COOL!"  My guess is he was having an awesome surfer dream, and the "wave" was the bed moving when big ol' me rolled out of it.

I can't really put makeup on anymore, because my hands don't really work properly, and let's face it, I'm a blimp anyway so what is makeup going to do?  I wear the same 3 or 4 dresses over and over.  I can only wear flip flops. I have 2 bras that fit.  I wear men's boxer brief underwear. (FYI, I've found it's really the only thing that is comfortable under a long maxi dress at the end of a pregnancy ladies...especially if you walk a lot and have a little extra inner thigh rubbing going on...I know, hot, right?)   My job has no maternity leave benefits, (am left with using what little vacation and sick days I have saved up) so right now I have to go to work as much as possible.  I've been working weekdays, and can't do a traffic report that is longer than 45 seconds anymore because I run out of air and feel like I might pass out, (baby takes up a lot of lung space).  People feel sorry for me having to go to work, but it's weird, if I were at home, what would I be doing?  Nothing.  I'm not exactly happily working, but if I were at home, I'd just be impatient and bored, at least at work there is something I'm supposed to do.  I've been more worried about going into labor, or my water breaking in an awkward moment in the Chicago Loop, on a sidewalk, or in my building elevator surrounded by a bunch of strangers, in a cab, etc. So far, I get worried looks when I climb in a cab, but nothing exciting has happened.  I think they're just relieved when I give them the address of a parking garage a little over a mile away, instead of telling them to take me to the hospital.

Yeah, yeah, yeah....pregnant women complain incessantly, but here's the thing.....most of us SHOULD!  Yes, it's a beautiful thing, but much of it is out of our control, and a lot of it makes us feel like shit.  Especially at the end in the final weeks.  Physically, the discomforts are mostly known and many are visible.  The hormonal influences, however, are equally as powerful, and at home, I can be super bossy & mean, or crying over nothing and crazy.  I am eternally grateful that I get to have 2 healthy pregnancies and babies that grew inside of me.  Neither came easy or quickly.  I am so, so grateful that my babies weren't born early, or sick, as many have been.  I can't imagine the pain and worry of having that happen to my own baby.  Having said that, I still can't help but feel completely CRAZY right now in my own circumstances.  I have no idea what to do with myself.  I don't know how to make my body go into labor, but I REALLY want it to. (Yes, I've tried it, spicy food, chinese food, sex, walking, pineapple, black cohosh, acupuncture, etc).  I am a living, labored breathing ball of anxiety.  I have no energy to do anything, but if I'm laying around, I can't get comfortable. Walking takes a lot out of me and often hurts. I'll spare you the details of what hurts, but imagine getting kicked in the crotch, but from the inside. When people ask me how I am now, if I'm being honest my answer is: "fat and grumpy."

If I don't go into labor on my own, with in the next 2 days, I'll need to have a 2nd Cesarean section.  It's not the end of the world, but it's not what I want.  I really want to try and do this myself, which is why I'm trying a VBAC, which stands for vaginal birth after Cesarean.  (Sorry about the "vaginal" part of that, I don't like seeing that word either).   I was induced with my son when I was 3 days late and my body didn't jive with it.  After 20 hours of (eventually) the highest does of Pitocin, I had awful, strong contractions on top of each other, but my cervix never dilated, and therefore, I never pushed.  My Dr. scared me into being induced, because it was a "big baby", and in hindsight, I should have waited longer.  He was big, 9 lbs 4 oz, but women have babies that size, and bigger, all the time.  My Mom did, I was 9 lbs, my brother was 10 lbs.  A due date is an estimate, 2 weeks in either direction is completely normal.  The percentage of American women who get induced or medically intervene with the timing of the arrival of a baby compared to other countries is shocking.  We're all just too damn impatient if you ask me. My opinion?  Unless there is a REAL medical reason to induce labor, just wait!  If labor starts on it's own, I truly believe your chances of it going well are far better.  Also, I suggest finding out what the C section rate of your Dr's office is.  My old one was over 33%, the one I'm with now is 7%.  Also, read Ina May's "Guide to Childbirth."  Both pregnancies, I found it to be empowering, great for reducing anxiety, and a resource that increased my womanly confidence towards the end of the pregnancy.  Warning: there are a few pictures.

Fingers crossed that I get to work with my doula, labor in my fancy hospital room jacuzzi tub, listening to spa music, and have this baby the old fashioned way with my favorite midwife from my OB office as I've hoped for.  I know people have babies all the time, but damn if this isn't the most anxiety inducing, stressful big ass thing of my life ever.  I. am. nervous!  Either way, all I TRULY want is a healthy baby and healthy self, we can work the rest out if it doesn't go as planned.  Send me some positive and labor inducing vibes if you've got 'em. Off to do some squats and jumping jacks between traffic reports....